Could Bobby Ray’s escaping chickens be tied to ghosts? Tune in as the Godfather of Poultrygeists establishes negotiations with the boys, and brings in some of his ethereal feathered fiends to back him up. Will they make it out alive, or are they in some deep fried trouble?
— Transcript —
Winston 0:00
Oh, man. There’s some really big claw marks on the door!
Big D 0:06
What if the ones letting the chickens out door are ghost chickens?
Bobby Ray 0:13
You mean…poultrygeists?!
(High energy country guitar) 0:16
Big D 0:28
Howdy, y’all. Welcome to the wild, weird and unexplained of Mosquito Springs. Y’all grab something cold from the cooler and join me, Winston, Bobby Ray and his new ghost buddy, Fergus, for more adventure.
To get y’all caught up, Fergus’ spirit got attached to Bobby Ray when him and Winston got stuck in the ghost dimension out in Sutter’s Woods. So, he’s hanging out everywhere Bobby Ray goes.
Bobby Ray 0:56
And it sure gets irritating having a chaperone in the bathroom, I tell you what.
Fergus 1:03
0ch, eye. I am not any happier about it than you.
Big D 1:07
All right, just settle down, y’all. Tonight we’re sitting out on Bobby Ray’s back porch trying to find out how his chickens keep getting out.
Fergus 1:15
So, you chicken sit for adventure do ya? In my time, we battled dragons and repelled invaders, but you go ahead and battle with your wee fearsome chicks. Mind they don’t peck off an arm or two. Och, it makes me shiver just thinking about it. (Laugh)
Bobby Ray 1:39
Come on, Fergus. We got a real mystery here. Some how, the coop door creeks open and all the chicks escape every full moon. And not only that, huge claw marks are always left on the back door of the house where we’re sitting right now.
Fergus 1:57
Oh, Now your talking. We may have a wee adventure yet. Maybe it is a dunter or a Red Cap.
Bobby Ray 2:09
Now why would we be a scared of those fellas wearing red caps that load up the luggage on the train?
Fergus 2:18
Nae, it is not a man, it is a fearsome and wee, wiry creature with iron claws and a red bonnet.
Bobby Ray 2:29
Well, he can’t be all bad wearing a fancy red hat.
Fergus 2:32
But, do you hae any idea how their hats get their color?
Winston 2:38
Uh, I dunno. Maybe Henna?
Fergus 2:41
Nae, they dip their hats in their victim’s blood.
Bobby Ray 2:47
Well, that’s a pleasant thought.
Fergus 2:50
Good thing I brought ma sword.
Bobby Ray 2:52
I know that’s right. It might get a bit dicey, so I sent Nadine and the kids on a sleep over to her friend’s house.
Winston 3:02
Good idea, man. Hey, uh, I know I haven’t eaten any special brownies, but do you see a rooster sitting on top of one of your goats?
Big D 3:17
(Whispering) hey, guys. Let’s tell him they’re not there. (Laugh)
Bobby Ray 2:21
(Whisper laugh) ok, watch this.
Winston 3:23
Hey, guys. It’s still there.
Bobby Ray 3:27
Oh, really? Where are you seeing them? Over by the well house? (Snicker)
Winston 3:35
No, man. They’re right in front of me.
Big D 3:38
Winston, I really don’t see anything. You sure you’re seeing a ghost?
Winston 3:45
No, man. Not a ghost…a goat! With a rooster on it!
Bobby Ray 3:53
Sure they’re not over by the outhouse? I think I saw something over there.
Winston 4:00
No, man. They’re right here!
Fergus 4:04
they are standing right there, clear as day!
Big D 4:07
Hush, we’re just pulling his leg, Fergus. Play along.
Winston 4:12
Woah. Now the rooster is riding around on the goat and dancing in circles going counterclockwise and hopping on one foot. You’ve gotta see that, man.
Big D, Bobby Ray and Fergus 4:28
(Laughing)
Winston 4:31
Dude, What are you laughing at? (Realizing the joke) Oh, man…They really are there, aren’t they?
Big D 4:39
we were just having a bit of fun with you, Winston.
Winston 4:41
(Laughs) Jeez. You guys.
Bobby Ray 4:46
Yep, that there’s Goat Rider and his favorite goat Pris. He does that all the time.
Winston 4:53
You guys had me worried, man. But now that I know they’re real, it looks like they really dig each other.
Bobby Ray 5:01
Oh, they do. And they keep the bad critters away from the chicken pen, with the help of Chuck Norris – the dog, not the Texas Ranger. Hey, Big D. Speaking of night, did you know that a Bobcat ate my doorbell?
Big D 5:15
Oh, Bobby Ray.
Bobby Ray 5:17
No, no. It’s true. I got me one of them talking door bells that when it sees somebody it says “get away from the door or I’ll sick my dog on you” and you can hear the dog barking and growling.
Chuck Norris 5:31
(Barks and growls)
Bobby Ray 5:35
Yea, just like that, Chuck Norris. Good boy. Then if they don’t leave, it says “The dog is loose and I’ve got a gun and I’m training my sights on you” with gunshot sounds and “that was your only warning”.
Big D 5:56
So what happened?
Bobby Ray 5:57
Well, a big ol’ bobcat came up chasing a possum, and he got distracted by that talking doorbell and stopped dead in his tracks and quit fighting that there possum. Then he got up close to the doorbell and was trying to find out who was talking to him – in the video you can see his big eyes up close and personable and his tongue just slurping across the camera. Well, I guess he must have liked the taste of it, because he opened up his big ol’ toothy mouth and swallowed that thing whole before running off.
Winston 6:37
Did you ever get the doorbell back?
Bobby Ray 6:40
I sure did. Picked it up in the woods the next day. Had to wash it off a bit, though. You see, I kept watching and listening to the live video of the doorbell on my phone, and I could hear some gurgling and burpin. But it all came out in the end. (Laugh) I tell you what.
Fergus 7:03
While you gents were talking, seven chickens and a one-eyed rooster walked right past you.
Bobby Ray 7:10
How’d that happen? The chicken coop is still closed and all the chickens are still inside.
Winston 7:16
The only one I see is Goat Rider still sitting on Pris the goat, who’s now asleep over by Chuck Norris – the dog, not the Texas Ranger.
Big D 7:28
Ok, Fergus. You got us. But you can stop playing jokes on us now.
Fergus 7:33
I am not playing, ya idiots. They are right in front of ya. One just did a jobby on wee Winston’s foot.
Winston 7:41
Oh, man. Yuck!
Big D 7:43
I still don’t see anyone.
Winston 7:44
Eww! Well, like I don’t see any chickens either, but someone definitely took a massive dump on my shoe!
Fergus 7:51
See, what did I tell you!
Bobby Ray 7:53
I can’t see any chickens out here either, but there are big, fresh claw marks on the house door behind us!
Fergus 7:58
Aaah! One of the wee beggars just sliced ma leg. And the other made off with ma sword!
Bobby Ray 8:06
That’s a big gash! How’d he do that with his little bitty chicken claws?
Fergus 8:11
Not claws, Bobby Ray. It was a butcher’s knife!
Bobby Ray 8:15
A butcher knife?!
Fergus 8:20
Canna you not see them? The wee feathered marauders are wielding grand butcher’s knives! Why canna ya no see it?
(Creaking gate) 8:29
Bobby Ray 8:32
The door to the coop just flew wide open!
Winston 8:36
Now the chickens are out of the coop, man!
(Chickens clucking) 8:39
(Dog barking) 8:44
Big D 8:47
Let’s get that leg wrapped up. Winston, go get the first aid kit outta my truck.
Winston 8:52
You got it, man.
Big D 8:54
…and I’ll just stuff my bandana over it till you get back. Hey, I just had a horrible thought.
Bobby Ray 9:01
Uh, oh. This doesn’t sound good. What you thinking?
Big D 9:03
What if the ones opening the coop door are ghost chickens?
Bobby Ray 9:07
You mean…poultrygeists?!
Big D 9:10
Does a bear poop in the woods?! And Fergus is the only one who can see them because he’s a ghost, too.
Winston 9:16
Oh, that’s bad, man. Oh, here’s the first aid kit.
Big D 9:21
Thanks, Winston. Let’s get you cleaned up proper, Fergus.
Fergus 9:25
There’s no tame! The marauders are advancing again, swinging their bloody knives!
Big D 9:32
Bobby Ray, quick, call Joe Cletus and put him on speaker. Tell him it’s a ghost emergency!
Bobby Ray 9:39
Right-e-o, I’m on it.
(Ringing) 9:41
Bobby Ray 9:43
Come on, come on, pick up!
Fergus 9:45
Look out! There is one behind Winston!
Winston 9:47
Ahhhhh! He got my shoulder!
Bobby Ray 9:50
Oh! Hey, I just remembered I got some of them bacon wrap bandages in my pocket that Nadine gave me. ‘Course, that’s looking at that gash you’re gonna be needing a whole brisket!
Big D 10:02
Let’s get that shoulder wrapped.
Bobby Ray 10:05
Come on. Pick up, Joe Cletus!
Joe Cletus 10:08
This is Joe Cletus. I sure am glad you called. Right now, I’m out in the Ghost Cave making more amazing inventions. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.
Bobby Ray 10:23
Dang it, Joe Cletus! This here’s Bobby Ray and we’re…
Joe Cletus 10:27
I know who you are, Bobby Ray. I was just having some fun with you.
Bobby Ray 10:33
Dad burn it, Joe Cletus. Stop playing! We got a condition major red ghost emergency out at my place!
Joe Cletus 10:42
Well, give me the bottom line.
Bobby Ray 10:44
Poultrygeists are attacking us with butcher knives! They already got Fergus and Winston. Do we need to draw a pentamagram and jump in it or something?
Joe Cletus 10:53
A pentagram won’t do it. You need a salt circle to get in to protect you. Table salt, rock salt…
Bobby Ray 11:04
I got it. How about them there salt licks? I gots a bunch of those suckers.
Joe Cletus 11:09
Snatch em up and put em in a circle around you. Make sure there ain’t any gaps or y’all are done for.
Bobby Ray 11:15
Y’all here that? We need to grab those salt licks out of the barn and make a circle around us in the ground.
Big D 11:22
I figure a 6 foot circle aught to do it.
Bobby Ray 11:24
That’s be a circumference of about….oh…18 feet. And with them being a foot apiece, we need about 18 of ‘em.
Big D 11:33
And you said there weren’t no use in learning school math.
Bobby Ray 11:37
Well, I’m glad Mrs. Robinson took me for some after school tooting. I tell you what!
Big D 11:47
Let’s get Winston and Fergus into the barn. Can y’all move on your own, or do y’all need help?
Winston 11:52
I’ll make it alright. Luckily, it didn’t go deep because of some old shrapnel in my shoulder. And you did a great patch job.
Big D 12:05
What about you, Fergus. Can you walk?
Fergus 12:07
Oh, Aye. It’s only a flesh wound. I am not quite dead yet.
Bobby Ray 12:11
Well, you kinda are, being a ghost and all.
Fergus 12:15
Donnae remind me! This earthly shell I am habitating can indeed be damaged, especially by other ghosts. Just go and I will follow ya!
(Footsteps rushing on dirt and sod) 12:27
(Barn Doors open) 12:36
Big D 12:42
Quick, into the barn!
Bobby Ray 12:44
Y’all get in it, and I’ll close the door back.
(Door creaks shut) 12:42
Joe Cletus 12:54
Boys, can you hear me?
Winston 12:56
Yea, we hear ya.
Joe Cletus 12:58
You should be able to see the poultrygeist with your night vision goggles.
Bobby Ray 13:03
Well, I got some over on the workbench, I’ll go get ‘em and bring ‘em right back!
Big D 13:08
I’ve paced off 6 feet, so let’s move these salt blocks into the circle. Quick as you can.
(Grunts) 13:13
Bobby Ray 13:22
Here’s them goggles. I got enough for all of us but Fergus, since he can already see them.
Winston 13:29
Wow, I can see the critters pacing along the window sills. Dang, those knives are really big!
(Doggy door swinging) 13:39
Bobby Ray 13:41
Well, I’ll be. The poultrygeist found Chuck Norris’ doggy door!
Fergus 13:47
Big D, look out behind ya!
Big D 13:49
Ahhhhhh! He got me just above my boot top!
Winston 13:55
Oh, that’s a really gnarley cut, Big D. Here, push my bandana into that gash.
Bobby Ray 14:03
Come on, y’all. Everyone in the salt circle!
Winston 14:06
Let’s stand back to back so we can keep an eye in all of ‘em.
Big D 14:10
Ok, we’re all in.
Bobby Ray 14:12
What do we do now, Joe Cletus? The poultrygeists have brought all the other chickens in the barn with them and their eyes are glowing red. They’re around us, pecking away at the salt blocks!
Joe Cletus 14:28
Well, ghosts, no matter what their size have unfinished business before they can move on. So, you have to find out who is their spokesperson, or, umm, spokeschicken…and find out what they want. When they get resolved what they want or their unfinished business is finished, they’ll move on and stop bothering you.
Big D 14:54
Ok, but we can’t understand them. We’re only hearing clucks.
Joe Cletus 14:59
Don’t worry. We can use my EVP verbal ghost translator over the phone.
Winston 15:06
But they’re like chickens, man.
Joe Cletus 15:09
I’ll change the setting to poultrygeist.
Bobby Ray 15:12
How come you already have a poultrygeist setting.
Joe Cletus 15:16
Uh…I don’t want to talk about it. Just hold the phone out and figure out which one to talk to.
Bobby Ray 15:24
Fergus, didn’t you say one of them was a one-eyed rooster?
Fergus 15:28
Aye. A one-eyed rooster.
Bobby Ray 15:30
Well, that’s my first rooster, Drumstick. He got that injury fighting with another rooster in the pen. Hey Drumstick, how’re you doing?
Drumstick 15:40
(Sopranos style) hey, Bobby. Come here. How YOU doin’?
Bobby Ray 15:45
Not so good right now. Hey, Why does Drumstick sound like he’s one of the Sopranos?
Winston 15:53
Never mind that, just find out what he wants so they’ll stop making sushi out of us!
Bobby Ray 15:59
Ok, ok. Drumstick, is there something that we can do for you?
Drumstick 16:04
The question is what can I do for you, Bobby. And do me the honor of calling me by my real name: “Jerry Bob the Magnificient”. I’m here to make your life easier and help out the other chickens at the same time.
Bobby Ray 16:23
How are you gonna do that, Drumstick?
Drumstick 16:26
(Correcting) Un, un, uh.
Bobby Ray 16:27
Oh, I’m sorry. I meant “Jerry Bob the Magnificent.”
Drumstick 16:32
That’s more like it. Now we can meet on a more even ground for mutual respect. Out of this, we can foster personal growth and mutually beneficial negotiation.
Bobby Ray 16:48
Well, before we start these here negotiaminations, could you tell me just one thing? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? (Laugh)
Drumstick 16:59
Oh, Bobby, Bobby. I am sensing you are not taking these negotiations serious. So, as to answer your question, you cannot make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. And by eggs, I mean youse guys. Capice?
Bobby Ray 17:22
No, no! Nobody’s wanting to make omelets here, are we guys?
Big D, Winston, Fergus 17:27
No, we’re good.
Drumstick 17:29
Good. Now that’s more like it. Now may begin negotiations. Firstly, the chickens shall be free-range instead of kept in a pen.
Bobby Ray 17:42
How about if they free range during the day with Chuck Norris and Goat Rider keeping watch. Then back to the pen at night for added safety.
Drumstick 17:55
That can work.
Chicken Lieutenant 17:57
(Urgent Clucking)
Drumstick 17:59
Pardon me while I consult with my constituents.
Chicken Lieutenant 18:03
(Clucking)
Drumstick 18:07
I think that can happen. Let me discuss it with the man.
Chicken lieutenant 18:11
(Clucking “OK”)
Drumstick 18:13
Well, they tell me they also want some worm treats. Plus, a couple of those Hentastic Chick Sticks feeders because they are said to be the “great boredom busting treats” and apparently, there is a lot of boredom going on here if you understand what I mean. Perhaps the addition of a TV in the chicken yard would also go a long way to relieving that boredom and making for a happier laying stock. And of course, if these “requests” are not met, me and my pals we will be back.
Bobby Ray 18:52
No problem, Jerry Bob the Magnificent. We’ll get those done this week.
Drumstick 18:59
This is equitable. Now Bobby, I would consider it a personal favor to myself, that my photo be put on the family photo wall next to goat rider and titled with my proper name of which you have been apprised – Jerry Bob the Magnificent.
Bobby Ray 19:23
Well I can take care of that right now.
Drumstick 19:27
Nice. Nice. And with that, negotiations close, and I bid you adieu.
(Otherworldly chime) 19:36
Big D 19:39
Woah, did y’all see that?! The poultrygeists have disappeared in a bright light and swirl of purple dust.
Winston 19:47
Yea, man, and the chickens eyes have returned to normal and they’re all heading back to their pen. Look at that!
Joe Cletus 19:56
glad to be of service, my friends. Y’all, Call again.
Bobby Ray 19:59
Hey, I was thinking: maybe all that was just a dream and we wouldn’t have to do nothing?
(Rooster crow “Bobby Ray”) 20:05
Bobby Ray 20:08
(Urgent, dutyfull) alright! I’m up! We’re gonna get it taken care of right now!
Big D 20:13
I think he may have that finished today instead of next week.
Fergus 20:16
Oh, aye. I know that’s right!
Bobby Ray 20:20
Today’s episode was brought to you by Paul’s Pro-clono: The only free cloning service in Dallas County. Did your ex run off with your best hunting dog? Paul’s Pro-Clono gives you a new leash on life. Missing your Aunt Slidell’s smiling face and those Jack Daniel Deviled Eggs? Paul’s Pro-Clono puts the eggs on the table. Paul’s Pro Clono, when you can’t get enough of a good thing.
Big D 20:44
Whoo, boy! Thanks for stopping by and helping us solve Bobby Ray’s chicken problem. I think I just saw him and Winston carrying his big screen TV out to the chicken pen. I bet Jerry Bob the Magnificent will be very pleased about that. Well, be sure to like our podcast, take the survey, or leave us a comment, and most importantly, share us with your friends. We’ll be back with season two after a short break. Now that we got all the chickens happy, everything should be getting back to normal. Well, as normal as you can get here in Mosquito Springs. See y’all next time!
Announcer 21:20
Mosquito Springs and it’s characters were created and performed by Michael Sessums. No people, dogs, goats, or chickens – ghost or otherwise – were harmed in the recording of this podcast. Ta.
Transcript 1:14
Winston 0:00
Oh, man. There’s some really big claw marks on the door!
Big D 0:06
What if the ones letting the chickens out door are ghost chickens?
Bobby Ray 0:13
You mean…poultrygeists?!
(High energy country guitar) 0:16
Big D 0:28
Howdy, y’all. Welcome to the wild, weird and unexplained of Mosquito Springs. Y’all grab something cold from the cooler and join me, Winston, Bobby Ray and his new ghost buddy, Fergus, for more adventure.
To get y’all caught up, Fergus’ spirit got attached to Bobby Ray when him and Winston got stuck in the ghost dimension out in Sutter’s Woods. So, he’s hanging out everywhere Bobby Ray goes.
Bobby Ray 0:56
And it sure gets irritating having a chaperone in the bathroom, I tell you what.
Fergus 1:03
0ch, eye. I am not any happier about it than you.
Big D 1:07
All right, just settle down, y’all. Tonight we’re sitting out on Bobby Ray’s back porch trying to find out how his chickens keep getting out.
Fergus 1:15
So, you chicken sit for adventure do ya? In my time, we battled dragons and repelled invaders, but you go ahead and battle with your wee fearsome chicks. Mind they don’t peck off an arm or two. Och, it makes me shiver just thinking about it. (Laugh)
Bobby Ray 1:39
Come on, Fergus. We got a real mystery here. Some how, the coop door creeks open and all the chicks escape every full moon. And not only that, huge claw marks are always left on the back door of the house where we’re sitting right now.
Fergus 1:57
Oh, Now your talking. We may have a wee adventure yet. Maybe it is a dunter or a Red Cap.
Bobby Ray 2:09
Now why would we be a scared of those fellas wearing red caps that load up the luggage on the train?
Fergus 2:18
Nae, it is not a man, it is a fearsome and wee, wiry creature with iron claws and a red bonnet.
Bobby Ray 2:29
Well, he can’t be all bad wearing a fancy red hat.
Fergus 2:32
But, do you hae any idea how their hats get their color?
Winston 2:38
Uh, I dunno. Maybe Henna?
Fergus 2:41
Nae, they dip their hats in their victim’s blood.
Bobby Ray 2:47
Well, that’s a pleasant thought.
Fergus 2:50
Good thing I brought ma sword.
Bobby Ray 2:52
I know that’s right. It might get a bit dicey, so I sent Nadine and the kids on a sleep over to her friend’s house.
Winston 3:02
Good idea, man. Hey, uh, I know I haven’t eaten any special brownies, but do you see a rooster sitting on top of one of your goats?
Big D 3:17
(Whispering) hey, guys. Let’s tell him they’re not there. (Laugh)
Bobby Ray 2:21
(Whisper laugh) ok, watch this.
Winston 3:23
Hey, guys. It’s still there.
Bobby Ray 3:27
Oh, really? Where are you seeing them? Over by the well house? (Snicker)
Winston 3:35
No, man. They’re right in front of me.
Big D 3:38
Winston, I really don’t see anything. You sure you’re seeing a ghost?
Winston 3:45
No, man. Not a ghost…a goat! With a rooster on it!
Bobby Ray 3:53
Sure they’re not over by the outhouse? I think I saw something over there.
Winston 4:00
No, man. They’re right here!
Fergus 4:04
they are standing right there, clear as day!
Big D 4:07
Hush, we’re just pulling his leg, Fergus. Play along.
Winston 4:12
Woah. Now the rooster is riding around on the goat and dancing in circles going counterclockwise and hopping on one foot. You’ve gotta see that, man.
Big D, Bobby Ray and Fergus 4:28
(Laughing)
Winston 4:31
Dude, What are you laughing at? (Realizing the joke) Oh, man…They really are there, aren’t they?
Big D 4:39
we were just having a bit of fun with you, Winston.
Winston 4:41
(Laughs) Jeez. You guys.
Bobby Ray 4:46
Yep, that there’s Goat Rider and his favorite goat Pris. He does that all the time.
Winston 4:53
You guys had me worried, man. But now that I know they’re real, it looks like they really dig each other.
Bobby Ray 5:01
Oh, they do. And they keep the bad critters away from the chicken pen, with the help of Chuck Norris – the dog, not the Texas Ranger. Hey, Big D. Speaking of night, did you know that a Bobcat ate my doorbell?
Big D 5:15
Oh, Bobby Ray.
Bobby Ray 5:17
No, no. It’s true. I got me one of them talking door bells that when it sees somebody it says “get away from the door or I’ll sick my dog on you” and you can hear the dog barking and growling.
Chuck Norris 5:31
(Barks and growls)
Bobby Ray 5:35
Yea, just like that, Chuck Norris. Good boy. Then if they don’t leave, it says “The dog is loose and I’ve got a gun and I’m training my sights on you” with gunshot sounds and “that was your only warning”.
Big D 5:56
So what happened?
Bobby Ray 5:57
Well, a big ol’ bobcat came up chasing a possum, and he got distracted by that talking doorbell and stopped dead in his tracks and quit fighting that there possum. Then he got up close to the doorbell and was trying to find out who was talking to him – in the video you can see his big eyes up close and personable and his tongue just slurping across the camera. Well, I guess he must have liked the taste of it, because he opened up his big ol’ toothy mouth and swallowed that thing whole before running off.
Winston 6:37
Did you ever get the doorbell back?
Bobby Ray 6:40
I sure did. Picked it up in the woods the next day. Had to wash it off a bit, though. You see, I kept watching and listening to the live video of the doorbell on my phone, and I could hear some gurgling and burpin. But it all came out in the end. (Laugh) I tell you what.
Fergus 7:03
While you gents were talking, seven chickens and a one-eyed rooster walked right past you.
Bobby Ray 7:10
How’d that happen? The chicken coop is still closed and all the chickens are still inside.
Winston 7:16
The only one I see is Goat Rider still sitting on Pris the goat, who’s now asleep over by Chuck Norris – the dog, not the Texas Ranger.
Big D 7:28
Ok, Fergus. You got us. But you can stop playing jokes on us now.
Fergus 7:33
I am not playing, ya idiots. They are right in front of ya. One just did a jobby on wee Winston’s foot.
Winston 7:41
Oh, man. Yuck!
Big D 7:43
I still don’t see anyone.
Winston 7:44
Eww! Well, like I don’t see any chickens either, but someone definitely took a massive dump on my shoe!
Fergus 7:51
See, what did I tell you!
Bobby Ray 7:53
I can’t see any chickens out here either, but there are big, fresh claw marks on the house door behind us!
Fergus 7:58
Aaah! One of the wee beggars just sliced ma leg. And the other made off with ma sword!
Bobby Ray 8:06
That’s a big gash! How’d he do that with his little bitty chicken claws?
Fergus 8:11
Not claws, Bobby Ray. It was a butcher’s knife!
Bobby Ray 8:15
A butcher knife?!
Fergus 8:20
Canna you not see them? The wee feathered marauders are wielding grand butcher’s knives! Why canna ya no see it?
(Creaking gate) 8:29
Bobby Ray 8:32
The door to the coop just flew wide open!
Winston 8:36
Now the chickens are out of the coop, man!
(Chickens clucking) 8:39
(Dog barking) 8:44
Big D 8:47
Let’s get that leg wrapped up. Winston, go get the first aid kit outta my truck.
Winston 8:52
You got it, man.
Big D 8:54
…and I’ll just stuff my bandana over it till you get back. Hey, I just had a horrible thought.
Bobby Ray 9:01
Uh, oh. This doesn’t sound good. What you thinking?
Big D 9:03
What if the ones opening the coop door are ghost chickens?
Bobby Ray 9:07
You mean…poultrygeists?!
Big D 9:10
Does a bear poop in the woods?! And Fergus is the only one who can see them because he’s a ghost, too.
Winston 9:16
Oh, that’s bad, man. Oh, here’s the first aid kit.
Big D 9:21
Thanks, Winston. Let’s get you cleaned up proper, Fergus.
Fergus 9:25
There’s no tame! The marauders are advancing again, swinging their bloody knives!
Big D 9:32
Bobby Ray, quick, call Joe Cletus and put him on speaker. Tell him it’s a ghost emergency!
Bobby Ray 9:39
Right-e-o, I’m on it.
(Ringing) 9:41
Bobby Ray 9:43
Come on, come on, pick up!
Fergus 9:45
Look out! There is one behind Winston!
Winston 9:47
Ahhhhh! He got my shoulder!
Bobby Ray 9:50
Oh! Hey, I just remembered I got some of them bacon wrap bandages in my pocket that Nadine gave me. ‘Course, that’s looking at that gash you’re gonna be needing a whole brisket!
Big D 10:02
Let’s get that shoulder wrapped.
Bobby Ray 10:05
Come on. Pick up, Joe Cletus!
Joe Cletus 10:08
This is Joe Cletus. I sure am glad you called. Right now, I’m out in the Ghost Cave making more amazing inventions. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.
Bobby Ray 10:23
Dang it, Joe Cletus! This here’s Bobby Ray and we’re…
Joe Cletus 10:27
I know who you are, Bobby Ray. I was just having some fun with you.
Bobby Ray 10:33
Dad burn it, Joe Cletus. Stop playing! We got a condition major red ghost emergency out at my place!
Joe Cletus 10:42
Well, give me the bottom line.
Bobby Ray 10:44
Poultrygeists are attacking us with butcher knives! They already got Fergus and Winston. Do we need to draw a pentamagram and jump in it or something?
Joe Cletus 10:53
A pentagram won’t do it. You need a salt circle to get in to protect you. Table salt, rock salt…
Bobby Ray 11:04
I got it. How about them there salt licks? I gots a bunch of those suckers.
Joe Cletus 11:09
Snatch em up and put em in a circle around you. Make sure there ain’t any gaps or y’all are done for.
Bobby Ray 11:15
Y’all here that? We need to grab those salt licks out of the barn and make a circle around us in the ground.
Big D 11:22
I figure a 6 foot circle aught to do it.
Bobby Ray 11:24
That’s be a circumference of about….oh…18 feet. And with them being a foot apiece, we need about 18 of ‘em.
Big D 11:33
And you said there weren’t no use in learning school math.
Bobby Ray 11:37
Well, I’m glad Mrs. Robinson took me for some after school tooting. I tell you what!
Big D 11:47
Let’s get Winston and Fergus into the barn. Can y’all move on your own, or do y’all need help?
Winston 11:52
I’ll make it alright. Luckily, it didn’t go deep because of some old shrapnel in my shoulder. And you did a great patch job.
Big D 12:05
What about you, Fergus. Can you walk?
Fergus 12:07
Oh, Aye. It’s only a flesh wound. I am not quite dead yet.
Bobby Ray 12:11
Well, you kinda are, being a ghost and all.
Fergus 12:15
Donnae remind me! This earthly shell I am habitating can indeed be damaged, especially by other ghosts. Just go and I will follow ya!
(Footsteps rushing on dirt and sod) 12:27
(Barn Doors open) 12:36
Big D 12:42
Quick, into the barn!
Bobby Ray 12:44
Y’all get in it, and I’ll close the door back.
(Door creaks shut) 12:42
Joe Cletus 12:54
Boys, can you hear me?
Winston 12:56
Yea, we hear ya.
Joe Cletus 12:58
You should be able to see the poultrygeist with your night vision goggles.
Bobby Ray 13:03
Well, I got some over on the workbench, I’ll go get ‘em and bring ‘em right back!
Big D 13:08
I’ve paced off 6 feet, so let’s move these salt blocks into the circle. Quick as you can.
(Grunts) 13:13
Bobby Ray 13:22
Here’s them goggles. I got enough for all of us but Fergus, since he can already see them.
Winston 13:29
Wow, I can see the critters pacing along the window sills. Dang, those knives are really big!
(Doggy door swinging) 13:39
Bobby Ray 13:41
Well, I’ll be. The poultrygeist found Chuck Norris’ doggy door!
Fergus 13:47
Big D, look out behind ya!
Big D 13:49
Ahhhhhh! He got me just above my boot top!
Winston 13:55
Oh, that’s a really gnarley cut, Big D. Here, push my bandana into that gash.
Bobby Ray 14:03
Come on, y’all. Everyone in the salt circle!
Winston 14:06
Let’s stand back to back so we can keep an eye in all of ‘em.
Big D 14:10
Ok, we’re all in.
Bobby Ray 14:12
What do we do now, Joe Cletus? The poultrygeists have brought all the other chickens in the barn with them and their eyes are glowing red. They’re around us, pecking away at the salt blocks!
Joe Cletus 14:28
Well, ghosts, no matter what their size have unfinished business before they can move on. So, you have to find out who is their spokesperson, or, umm, spokeschicken…and find out what they want. When they get resolved what they want or their unfinished business is finished, they’ll move on and stop bothering you.
Big D 14:54
Ok, but we can’t understand them. We’re only hearing clucks.
Joe Cletus 14:59
Don’t worry. We can use my EVP verbal ghost translator over the phone.
Winston 15:06
But they’re like chickens, man.
Joe Cletus 15:09
I’ll change the setting to poultrygeist.
Bobby Ray 15:12
How come you already have a poultrygeist setting.
Joe Cletus 15:16
Uh…I don’t want to talk about it. Just hold the phone out and figure out which one to talk to.
Bobby Ray 15:24
Fergus, didn’t you say one of them was a one-eyed rooster?
Fergus 15:28
Aye. A one-eyed rooster.
Bobby Ray 15:30
Well, that’s my first rooster, Drumstick. He got that injury fighting with another rooster in the pen. Hey Drumstick, how’re you doing?
Drumstick 15:40
(Sopranos style) hey, Bobby. Come here. How YOU doin’?
Bobby Ray 15:45
Not so good right now. Hey, Why does Drumstick sound like he’s one of the Sopranos?
Winston 15:53
Never mind that, just find out what he wants so they’ll stop making sushi out of us!
Bobby Ray 15:59
Ok, ok. Drumstick, is there something that we can do for you?
Drumstick 16:04
The question is what can I do for you, Bobby. And do me the honor of calling me by my real name: “Jerry Bob the Magnificient”. I’m here to make your life easier and help out the other chickens at the same time.
Bobby Ray 16:23
How are you gonna do that, Drumstick?
Drumstick 16:26
(Correcting) Un, un, uh.
Bobby Ray 16:27
Oh, I’m sorry. I meant “Jerry Bob the Magnificent.”
Drumstick 16:32
That’s more like it. Now we can meet on a more even ground for mutual respect. Out of this, we can foster personal growth and mutually beneficial negotiation.
Bobby Ray 16:48
Well, before we start these here negotiaminations, could you tell me just one thing? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? (Laugh)
Drumstick 16:59
Oh, Bobby, Bobby. I am sensing you are not taking these negotiations serious. So, as to answer your question, you cannot make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. And by eggs, I mean youse guys. Capice?
Bobby Ray 17:22
No, no! Nobody’s wanting to make omelets here, are we guys?
Big D, Winston, Fergus 17:27
No, we’re good.
Drumstick 17:29
Good. Now that’s more like it. Now may begin negotiations. Firstly, the chickens shall be free-range instead of kept in a pen.
Bobby Ray 17:42
How about if they free range during the day with Chuck Norris and Goat Rider keeping watch. Then back to the pen at night for added safety.
Drumstick 17:55
That can work.
Chicken Lieutenant 17:57
(Urgent Clucking)
Drumstick 17:59
Pardon me while I consult with my constituents.
Chicken Lieutenant 18:03
(Clucking)
Drumstick 18:07
I think that can happen. Let me discuss it with the man.
Chicken lieutenant 18:11
(Clucking “OK”)
Drumstick 18:13
Well, they tell me they also want some worm treats. Plus, a couple of those Hentastic Chick Sticks feeders because they are said to be the “great boredom busting treats” and apparently, there is a lot of boredom going on here if you understand what I mean. Perhaps the addition of a TV in the chicken yard would also go a long way to relieving that boredom and making for a happier laying stock. And of course, if these “requests” are not met, me and my pals we will be back.
Bobby Ray 18:52
No problem, Jerry Bob the Magnificent. We’ll get those done this week.
Drumstick 18:59
This is equitable. Now Bobby, I would consider it a personal favor to myself, that my photo be put on the family photo wall next to goat rider and titled with my proper name of which you have been apprised – Jerry Bob the Magnificent.
Bobby Ray 19:23
Well I can take care of that right now.
Drumstick 19:27
Nice. Nice. And with that, negotiations close, and I bid you adieu.
(Otherworldly chime) 19:36
Big D 19:39
Woah, did y’all see that?! The poultrygeists have disappeared in a bright light and swirl of purple dust.
Winston 19:47
Yea, man, and the chickens eyes have returned to normal and they’re all heading back to their pen. Look at that!
Joe Cletus 19:56
glad to be of service, my friends. Y’all, Call again.
Bobby Ray 19:59
Hey, I was thinking: maybe all that was just a dream and we wouldn’t have to do nothing?
(Rooster crow “Bobby Ray”) 20:05
Bobby Ray 20:08
(Urgent, dutyfull) alright! I’m up! We’re gonna get it taken care of right now!
Big D 20:13
I think he may have that finished today instead of next week.
Fergus 20:16
Oh, aye. I know that’s right!
Bobby Ray 20:20
Today’s episode was brought to you by Paul’s Pro-clono: The only free cloning service in Dallas County. Did your ex run off with your best hunting dog? Paul’s Pro-Clono gives you a new leash on life. Missing your Aunt Slidell’s smiling face and those Jack Daniel Deviled Eggs? Paul’s Pro-Clono puts the eggs on the table. Paul’s Pro Clono, when you can’t get enough of a good thing.
Big D 20:44
Whoo, boy! Thanks for stopping by and helping us solve Bobby Ray’s chicken problem. I think I just saw him and Winston carrying his big screen TV out to the chicken pen. I bet Jerry Bob the Magnificent will be very pleased about that. Well, be sure to like our podcast, take the survey, or leave us a comment, and most importantly, share us with your friends. We’ll be back with season two after a short break. Now that we got all the chickens happy, everything should be getting back to normal. Well, as normal as you can get here in Mosquito Springs. See y’all next time!
Announcer 21:20
Mosquito Springs and it’s characters were created and performed by Michael Sessums. No people, dogs, goats, or chickens – ghost or otherwise – were harmed in the recording of this podcast. Ta.
(Comedy Banjo music) 21:34