A kilted and slightly tilted ghost finds Big D, Bobby Ray and Winston while tailgating in Sutters’ Woods. Who’s got the Brave Heart now?
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Transcript
(Owls and birds chirping) 0:00
Bobby Ray 0:01
Don’t look now, but there’s a real big, ugly woman with a hairy chest and a 5 o’clock shadow running our way waiving a machete!
(country guitar music) 0:10
Big D 0:20
Howdy, y’all. Welcome to the wild, weird and unexplained of Mosquito Springs. So y’all grab something cold from the cooler and join me, Winston and Bobby Ray for more adventure.
Bobby Ray 0:33
Now why exactly are we back in the woods today by the Glow Tree?
Big D 3:38
Well, I thought we could talk about what y’all saw when you were in the spirit realm in the other side of the Glow Tree portal.
Winston 0:45
Well all I know is it was real creepy.
Big D 0:51
I bet it was. These steaks I’ve been grilling on my truck’s tailgate cooker are just about ready. And I’ve got some big meaty mushrooms I’m grilling up with them.
(Sizzling)
Bobby Ray 1:01
Did you know, they’ve got mushrooms that instead of eatin them they give em a job?
Big D 1:07
Oh, Bobby Ray.
Bobby Ray 1:09
No, no, it’s true! Ya see, they’ve genemagicially modifitized mushrooms that can eat cigarette butts, oil spills, plastic and radiation.
Big D 1:21
Yea, I think I read something about that.
Bobby Ray 1:24
And it can even eat up used diapers. I mean used diapers? Really? Whoo boy. Now if it can do that I bet it could clean my fridge out. You know how bad it got?
Big D 1:36
I know better than to ask, but how bad was it?
Bobby Ray 1:40
It was so bad, I just bought another fridge and closed off the room the old one was in.
Big D 1:45
Good grief.
Bobby Ray 1:47
I mean, have you looked in there? I opened the fridge door a couple of days ago and I saw something green in an “I can’t believe it’s not butter” bowl, and something blue in a “Cool Whip” container playing Texas Hold ‘Em. That’s right. And I think the blue Cool Whip was winning. (Laugh)
Big D 2:05
I should have known.
Winston 2:07
Hey, what made you think to go see Madam Roweena when you couldn’t find us out in the woods?
Big D 2:12
Well, she actually called us up and said she had been divining ogham.
Bobby Ray 2:17
Eww, I don’t wanna hear about that window woman’s divine orgasms!
Big D 2:20
No, it’s an ogham divining method which is based on the Celtic vigesimal system.
Bobby Ray 2:26
You mean like one of them commercials telling ladies how to keep their vigesimal system fresh so they can ride horses, play tennis, and shoot skeet?
Big D 2:37
You know, sometimes it’s like talking to a brick wall.
Winston 2:42
You should’ve been stuck with him for a whole week like I was, man.
Bobby Ray 2:48
Hey, I wasn’t that bad.
Big D 2:50
Anyway, Madam Roweena used a variety of methods to find out where y’all were and figured out how we could get y’all out of the spirit realm y’all got sucked into from the old Skinner House.
Winston 3:01
We sure appreciated that.
Bobby Ray 3:04
And I sure am glad Joe Cletus had ol’ Sparky ready to set off the lightening power to open that…what’d you call it? Portal?
Big D 3:15
Close enough. It’s a portal to the other realm. What’d y’all see when y’all were in there?
Winston 3:20
Well, mostly just the woods, like you normally see on this side of the “portal”, but it always had a ground fog, even in the day time. And though we ate fish from the river, that food y’all sent through and those pocket water filter pumps for getting drinking water from the river was a real life saver.
Big D 3:47
Did y’all see anything out of the ordinary there?
Bobby Ray 3:50
We sure did. There was a real big flock of unicorns with glittery ribbons in their mane that were tootin’ rainbow sprinkles out of their backside and galloping across a field of candy clover and sour doc.
Big D 4:05
Really?
Bobby Ray 4:07
(Laugh) No, not “really”. Where’d you think we ended up, My Little Pony Magic Wonderland? But I had you going for a minute, though, didn’t I. (Laugh)
Big D 4:15
Ok, you got me. But did you see anything strange?
Bobby Ray 4:25
Well, we saw a bright white light leading out of the woods. And we saw a bunch of relatives and my dog Rocky that’d passed over years ago. My Aunt Slidell came up and gave us a big hug and some deviled eggs. I think she must’ve given her Jack Daniels recipe to Aunt Ida, cause they were good and strong and a little sweet and tangy, just like hers.
Winston 4:49
Well, She told us it wasn’t our time yet, so to stay away from the light, or we really would be on the other side and there’d be no returning.
Big D 5:00
So it was kind of a waiting room for the afterlife?
Bobby Ray 5:03
I was figuring that was it. Then she said she’d be back in a few days to get us if we were still there. But she said above all, stay away from the inky black nothingness on the other side of the other side of the woods. It was evil and would swallow you up quicker than a bull snake with a field rat.
Big D 5:28
So the whole heaven and hell thing.
Winston 5:32
That and something more. Beyond the light and dark, we could tell there was a way out of the woods that went out into what we figured was a parallel world, then there was a swirling purple vortex coming out of the Glow Tree that y’all opened up with ol’ Sparky which now we know was the portal back into our world.
Big D 5:57
That’s a lot to wrap your head around. Maybe we need to go back through it and find out more about that world on the other side.
Bobby Ray 6:05
Well, you’re welcome to it. Let me know if you find any rainbow sprinkles.
Big D 6:10
Well, y’all need to go with us since you’ve already been there and have the experience.
Bobby Ray 6:15
I also cut my leg once with a chainsaw, but I think I could pass on that “experience”, too.
Winston 6:22
Hey, I’d go in there with you, man. Just as long as we have an exit plan.
Big D 6:30
We can have Joe Cletus keeping the lifeline open for us on this side, now that we have the portal mechanics figured out.
Bobby Ray 6:38
Well, as long as you’re doing that and making sure we have plenty of supplies and a plan, you can count me in, too.
Big D 6:47
Maybe that’s where your doppelgänger we saw at the Skinner House came from.
Bobby Ray 6:52
Wait a minute! Did you say I got a dopelgobblenakker out there?
Big D 6:56
No, Doppelgänger. It looked just like you, but acted kinda weird.
Winston 7:02
How could you tell, man? (Laugh)
Big D 7:05
(Laugh) I see what you mean.
Bobby Ray 7:07
Hey, I’m standing right here y’all.
Fergus 7:09
(Battle yell)
Big D 7:11
What the…
Bobby Ray 7:12
Don’t look now, but there’s a really big, ugly woman with a hairy chest and a 5 o’clock shadow running towards us and waiving a machete!
Fergus 7:21
Freedom!
Winston 7:24
Wow, it’s a Scottish warrior Braveheart type dude, and now he’s stopped about 20 feet away, raising his kilt and mooning us!
Fergus 7:37
winch me bum ya dullards. Ayeeeee.
Bobby Ray 7:44
Uh, oh, it’s a full moon tonight!
Fergus 7:47
Ayeeeee.
Winston 7:51
Put that thing away, man! I think you made me lose my appetite.
Fergus 7:56
Come take me. Just ya try. You are not man enough, are ya?
Bobby Ray 8:02
This is not what I meant when I said I wanted a “moon pie”!
Fergus 8:06
I am Angus Mac Ferguson of Elderslie, prepare to die a most grievous death you English pigs.
Winston 8:16
Dude, We’re not English, we’re Texan.
Fergus 8:20
Oh, your berries have shriveled up to wee beans.
Big D 8:25
Angus…
Fergus 8:26
Bite it! Just bite it!
Big D 8:28
Angus!
Fergus 8:30
Aye, just go home now, crying to your wee mum!
Big D 8:33
Do You want some steak and something else to eat, or do you want to keep waggling your backside at us?
Fergus 8:39
Well, I do love a wee waggle to taunt ya, but it’s been a while since I have ate and that steak surely wins this battle. Pass a rare one this way if ya don’t mind. And a wee dram of whisky would not go unappreciated.
Winston 9:01
Well, here’s a beer, man.
Fergus 9:05
Glug, glug, glug. Ooh! Aach! This is cold and week as piss! Yet, it still slakes me thirst. Hand me another, young laddie. And please to call me Fergus.
Bobby Ray 9:20
Hey, Fergus, are you with a reenactment group or making a movie?
Fergus 9:24
Nay, I dunna know what you speak of, but I came through that cursed swirling wheel of vomit the last time you were here with your wizard and his lightening machine.
Big D 9:37
He must be talking about Joe Cletus’ sparking Tesla coil and that purple ghost portal.
Fergus 9:42
Och, aye! We were taunting the English with Robert the Bruce and about to charge when I was sucked through and spit out of this wretched tree. Then I saw you and the sparking machine.
Big D 9:56
So now you’re stuck here on this side to haunt the woods?
Fergus 10:00
Aye, stuck. But Nae attached to the woods.
Bobby Ray 10:03
But Joe Cletus said ghosts have to be attached to a place to stay around, like the old Skinner House.
Big D 10:13
There may be another possibility.
Winston 10:16
What other possibility could there be?
Big D 10:22
Well, I think I read somewhere that a ghost can be attached to a person.
Fergus 10:26
Och aye. A person it be.
Bobby Ray 10:29
Is it somebody we know?
Fergus 10:32
Well, that would be you, my young laddie.
Bobby Ray 10:36
Do what now?
Fergus 10:37
Our spirits bonded while you were on the other side, and I came through the same time as you did.
Bobby Ray 10:46
Is it too late to get my money back for this trip?
Winston 10:48
I wonder if anything else came through?
Fergus 10:54
Aye, on me heals I was chased by two enchanted fairies riding a giant fire breathing devil dog.
Big D 11:02
That’s not good! We’ve got to round up a possum and see if we can find and catch it, and…
Fergus 11:09
Nay, me bum’s out the windae, innit? I’m just pulling your wee leg, laddie.
Bobby Ray 11:18
I think I’m gonna like this fella. (Laugh)
Big D 11:22
You really got me good. Well, lunch is ready, y’all. We’ve got steak, grilled corn on the cob, some greens and a peach cobbler. So, get you a plate and something from the cooler and let’s put the ol’ feed bag on.
Fergus 11:37
Mmmm. This scran is a pure belter.
Bobby Ray 11:39
Today’s episode is brought to you by Jay Michael Bob’s lobster on a stick. Once you’ve had these plump and meaty nuggets of joy, you won’t go anywhere else for a fine piece of tail.
Big D 11:54
Thanks for joining us today out here in Sutter’s Woods with our new friend, the Scottish soldier, Fergus. I’m looking forward to learning more from him about the other side and a whole lot more. Please be sure to like our podcast, subscribe, leave us a review and most importantly, share us with your friends. We’ll see y’all next time!
Announcer 12:18
Mosquito Springs and its characters were created and performed by Michael Sessums. Ta.
(Comedy banjo music) 12:25