Sensei Bob battles with ghost samurai at the Kick and Claw, and Bobby Ray blames farts on the dog while singing the tallywacker song.
Today’s episode is brought to you by Willie’s Drag Strip and Casino on Cedar Creek Lake where they have international waters shipped in daily. They’ve got slot cars for the kiddies, a 1/4 mile long drag strip and the loosest slots in Texas. Come on out to Willie Murrell’s Drag Strip and Casino for a time that will really pay off!
The Mosquito Springs Gift Shop even has the official Willie’s Drag Strip and Casino cap with the zombie dragster logo.
Transcript
(Comedy country banjo music) 0:00
Big D 0:08
Howdy, y’all. Welcome to Mosquito Springs, Texas where you’ll always find adventure and mystery. Come sit a spell and grab something cold from the cooler.
Today Bobby Ray and me are joined by the martial arts instructor from the Kick and Claw Dojo, Sensei Tanaka.
Sensei Bob 0:24
hai. Please call me Sensei Bob.
Big D 0:28
ok. Will do. So I guess Bob is your first name?
Sensei Bob 0:32
no, I use “Bob” because it is easier for my students and others to say.
Big D 0:39
what type of martial arts do you teach?
Sensei Bob 0:41
I am tenth grand master and teach karate and battojutsu with katana.
Bobby Ray 0:47
you know, I named my dog after the best karate fighter of all time, Chuck Norris.
Sensei Bob 0:53
Ah, he is quite good, and I have know many students of his.
Bobby Ray 1:01
and he can sure kick the bejesus out of drug lords and criminals. I tell you what!
Big D 1:07
now, Bobby Ray, that “Walker, Texas Ranger” was just a TV show
Bobby Ray 1:10
Now, that’s what they want you to think. It was actually a domokumentary about the dangerous and courageous stuff them Rangers do over in Dallas and all across Texas.
Big D 1:24
Why don’t we get us a snack before we talk about why you’re here, Sensei Bob. We got salsa and chips, and donuts and danishes.
Sensei Bob 1:33
a danish would be most fulfilling. Arigato.
Bobby Ray 1:37
hey, Big D. Speaking of Danishes, did you know that there Danish TV over in Denmark plays sleepy people farting to help their kids to go to sleep?
Big D 1:47
do what now?
Bobby Ray 1:49
no, no, it’s true. You know how warm and fuzzy a good fart feels and hearing that soothing music of the wind just makes them little tykes giggle and lulls them off to slumber land. Just a good thing it’s not smell-o-vision! (Laugh)
Big D 2:06
well, that’s for sure! I guess a farty TV show is pretty popular amongst the kids then? I bet it’d be pretty hard to top that.
Bobby Ray 2:14
oh, you’d think that, but you don’t know the half of it. there’s also this little cartoon fella called John Dillerman, and he’s is as popular as an unmarried cousin at a family reunion.
Big D 2:27
we’ll, that’s pretty popular! What’s he do?
Bobby Ray 2:30
well, get this: John Dillerman uses his telescoping, transforming, and transmutating tallywacker to save people and animals.
Sensei Bob 2:41
oh, my…
Bobby Ray 2:43
Cat in a tree? Tallywacker to the rescue. Cattle stampeding downtown? Tallywacker lariat saves the day. Bridge out and the children from the orphanage are stranded on the other side? Tallywacker helicopter gets everybody to safety. (Helicopter sounds) Little Timmy stranded down the well…(laugh) I think you get the idea.
Big D 3:06
and I thought sleep farting TV was weird.
Bobby Ray 3:09
even his name John Dillerman means tallywacker man. That’s right. And his theme song is ever so catchy. I could just imagine sitting at the Dairy Queen or Wally World and singing “John tallywacker, John Tallywacker, he’s got the worlds longest tallywacker. Almost nothing he can’t do with it. He can swing it around, and get embarrassed. He can save the world and the rest. John Tallywacker, John Tallywacker, John Tallywacker.” That’s it.
Big D 3:50
yep, that’s gonna stick with ya a while. Oh, the things that cannot be unheard.
Bobby Ray 3:56
I bet he could even grab a cold drink from the fridge while he’s sitting in his lazy boy recliner watching wrestling. (Laugh)
Sensei Bob 4:04
Well, if you are through with your Tallywackers, can I tell story now?
(Fart) 4:09
Big D 4:10
Oh, Bobby Ray!
Bobby Ray 4:12
(Laugh) I think the dog did that one.
Big D 4:14
yes please get us out of this, Sensei Bob. You told me earlier there was something strange that happened at the Kick and Claw.
Sensei Bob 4:22
indeed. Our dojo has many influences from Japanese culture. We have a meditation garden, paper lanterns, wooden floors, and four Samurai statues guarding and overseeing our activities, each with a katana on their left hip with the blade facing down, and full Samurai armor. One of the four statues represents Yasuke, an African warrior who was Samurai under Lord Nobunaga in 1579.
Bobby Ray 4:58
kinda like that Black Ranger who really is black on the Power Rangers?
Sensei Bob 5:02
exactly so
Bobby Ray 5:04
you know, I was pretty disappointed that the Blue Ranger wasn’t really blue. Anywho, I had no ideas there were real black ninjas.
Sensei Bob 5:13
not ninjas, Samurai. And Yasuke was very honorable and strong. One night, we were having a match, when the lights turn dim and a cold mist rolled into the room and across the floor.
(Battle music) 5:32
Big D 5:35
Bobby Ray, what are you doing?
Bobby Ray 5:38
just thought he’d like some mood music for his story.
Sensei Bob 5:41
(Grumble) ok, just not so loud.
Big D 5:46
so what happened then?
(Battle music softer) 5:48
Sensei Bob 5:49
as the mist roll in, it became very very cold, and our breaths like smoke. Then eyes of Samurai became piercing yellow like lanterns in the night and each of the four statues rolled their neck around left to right, busting free of their statue form, leaving only living, breathing warriors in their place.
I called for my four best students to become one with their katanas and prepare for battle. Each of these have good kokoro, or strong heart-mind-spirit connection.
Yatsuke’s eyes narrowed with determination and fire. My warriors matched each of Yasuke’s ghost warriors for stance and stature.
Suddenly, Yasuke let out a battle yell…
Yasuke 6:52
(battle yell)
Sensei Bob 6:54
…as he raised his katana and ran toward me. Our swords crashed…
(swords crashing) 7:01
Sensei Bob 7:02
…with the pain of steel. It is said the soul of the samurai is in his katana, and I could feel the power of Yasuke’s soul blazing from his.
(Swords crashing, warriors grunting) 7:12
Sensei Bob 7:16
The ghost warriors glided through the mist and were matched in fury and purpose by my warriors as sword met sword, dancing violently against eachother.
There was Twisting and turning, advancing and retreating with honor for better advantage over opponent. The battle continued as the mist became fog and the clashing of swords had taken on an otherworldly eeriness.
It was now difficult to see with our eyes, but we were still able to see through our souls and our instincts where to find our enemies. The fighting continued as sweat broke through the freezing atmosphere of the battle ground and mixed with blood.
(Fighting ceases) 8:14
Sensei Bob 8:16
The air fell silent and as the fog disappeared, so too had the ghostly warriors that were bent on our defeat. We moved to chiburai, or flick the blood from our swords before sheathing them. And with that, we had been the victors. The shoji lattice work walls and doors had been sliced to shambles and most paper lanterns were crushed beneath the feet of the battle weary. But my army stood proud and undefeated. The ghost samurai had been driven out and only the stoic statues, two of which had been sliced diagonally in half, remained.
Bobby Ray 9:07
well, boy that sure was scary.
Sensei Bob 9:10
(geeky voice) you’re telling me!
Bobby Ray 9:12
who was that?
Big D 9:13
I think it came out of Sensei Bob!
Sensei Bob 9:16
(Sensei voice) it most certainly did not!
Bobby Ray 9:19
hey, I remember that voice! Melvin Fakemun! Where have you been keeping yourself?
Big D 9:26
Alright, just wait a minute here. Now, you’re not really Japanese?
Sensei Bob 9:30
(geeky voice) ok, you got me. But, I am a real Samurai. I lived in Japan and studied with the masters to became the warrior who led his own samurai against a ghost army.
Big D 9:43
and that was amazing. But why pretend to be Japanese?
Sensei Bob 9:48
(geeky voice) because no one took me serious until I became (Sensei voice) what you see now – a true warrior and teacher.
Big D 9:56
and an amazing transformation it was. Well, your secret is safe with us.
Bobby Ray 10:01
He says as he winks to the camera. (Laugh)
Big D 10:04
Now, Bobby Ray…
Bobby Ray 10:06
Today’s episode is brought to you by Willie Murrell’s Drag Strip and Casino on Cedar Creek Lake where they have international waters shipped in daily. They’ve got slot cars for the kiddies, a 1/4 mile long drag strip and the loosest slots in Texas. Come on out to Willie Murrell’s Drag Strip and Casino for a time that will really pay off!
Big D 10:26
it was good having y’all today. Be sure to tap that subscribe button and tell all your friends to find us on their favorite podcast player. See y’all next time!
Announcer 10:37
Mosquito Springs and it’s characters were created and performed by Michael Sessums. Music by Ty Simon and Kevin Graham. Ta.
(Comedy country banjo music) 10:47