Ghost busting throws our boys into time traveling in the spirit dimension as Big D, Bobby Ray and Winston are joined by ghost hunting brothers Joe Cletus and Cletus Joe. Break out the ghost gear, a couple of cold drinks, the armadillo jerky, and join the spirited fun at Principal Red Skinner’s house in Mosquito Springs.
Ghost hunting gear for paranormal investigators.
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Transcript
Bobby Ray
You know this house belonged to a cannibal?
Big D
Oh, Bobby Ray!
(Comedy country music)
Big D
Howdy, ya’ll. Welcome to a special ghost busting edition of Mosquito Springs. Bobby Ray, Winston and me are at the old Skinner house which is said to be haunted.
Joe Cletus
I may have said it a time or two myself.
Big D
I knew I heard it somewhere! Tonight we are joined by ghost hunters Joe Cletus and his brother, Cletus Joe.
Joe Cletus (deep country voice)
Howdy, y’all.
Cletus Joe (bright British voice)
Oh, Hello.
Big D
So ya’ll get something cold out of the cooler and join us as we try to bust some ghosts.
Bobby Ray
Why is it that people always go to a haunted house at night? It’s no wonder ghosts are always pissed off with people waking ‘em up all the time.
Joe Cletus
Boys, let’s get all this equipment set up in the big main room here by that massive winding staircase. This table will be perfect for the video monitors and radio.
Cletus Joe
And I have a few folding chairs for each of us.
Joe Cletus
Big D, hand me those two monitors and we’ll get started.
Big D
(Strains) here ya go.
Joe Cletus
(Strains) thanks.
(Clump)
Big D
Now I know y’all are twins, so you didn’t have a different mother or father. But y’all don’t sound anything alike. Why is that?
Cletus Joe
Well, mum had Monty Python, Faulty Towers and alot of other British programmes on the telly while I was coming to maturity. So I’m sure they were an influence.
Joe Cletus
I was never much on TV and just played outside and invented things alot. Daddy had these great Texas State Fair movies on 8mm I found and loved listening to Big Tex, that Texas sized statue that greeted people to the fair and announced special happenings. So I’m mostly influenced by that.
Big D
I reckon that makes sense. You know, I’ve always wondered about it, but it never come up. And what about your names? They’re so similar.
Joe Cletus
Now, that’s silly. I just don’t see that. I was named after my uncle.
Cletus Joe
And I was named after my other uncle.
Joe Cletus and Cletus Joe
They were twins, too.
Bobby Ray
You know this house belonged to a cannibal?
Big D
Oh, Bobby Ray.
Bobby Ray
No, no, it’s true! He was the principal who ate kids at school.
Big D
No, he schooled kids in the Eighth grade. Then he became principle.
Bobby Ray
Well, that’s what I said.
Big D
Not even close.
Bobby Ray
(Laugh) had you going pretty good there for a minute though.
Cletus Joe:
You’re right, Big D, this was the house of principal Red Skinner. He disappeared shortly after the school was shut down. And, Bobby Ray, he was actually a vegetarian.
Bobby Ray:
You know, other than the dust and cobwebs, this room being all empty like this kinda reminds me about Nadine’s birthday last week.
Big D
Really? How’s that?
Bobby Ray
Well, she went off to do her girls day out at the spa in the the strip mall over in Gun Barrel City, and me and the kids we fixed her up real good while she was away. We put her out a gift basket from Wallyworld, picked up everything and cleaned up the hardwood floor in the living room and kitchen.
Big D
So did you sweep it real good?
Bobby Ray
Oh, we did it one better than that. I got out the Black and Decker leaf blower that we’d souped up last month. You see, it was rated at 250 mph and an airflow of 400 cubic feet per minute which is an F4 on the Fujimahita scale.
Joe Cletus
That’s pretty high.
Bobby Ray
Yea, but we added more power and got it up to twice that.
Big D
Oh, Bobby Ray. No one could even handle one like that.
Bobby Ray
No, no, it’s true! And I handled it without any incidentals. We just blew the living room all out of there and that room was clean as a whistle. ‘Course I did have to bring some of the furniture and the heirloom Elvis rug back in, and we lost Wayne Bob for a little while there. But he was just out in the yard with some of that furniture that got blowed out, and he was laughing and playing NASCAR with the futon and a pie pan for the steering wheel, so it was all good.
Big D
Oh, brother.
Joe Cletus
Ok, Y’all get ready to see some spirits tonight.
Bobby Ray
I bets the only spirits we see tonight are Cletus Joe’s corn likker.
Cletus Joe
You know that is not what Joe Cletus was inferring, Bobby Ray.
Winston
What do you need us to do, man?
Joe Cletus
Well, everyone put your chairs in a circle in the middle of the room and I’ll start calling the ghosts.
(Chairs scooting in place)
Joe Cletus
Everyone have a seat now, join hands and close your eyes.
Bobby Ray:
If someone starts spinning a bottle, I’m out of here.
Big D
Just hush.
Joe Cletus
(Calling ghosts) “Oh spirits, why are you trapped here?”
Bobby Ray
(ghostly voice) “because I was misunderstooood and my underwear is toooo tight.”
Big D
Oh, Bobby Ray!
Bobby Ray
(regular voice) (laugh) fooled ya, didn’t I?
Winston
There’s a lot of negative energy building up in here, and we’d better try to clear it out pretty quick, man.
Joe Cletus
(Calling spirits) oh, spirits, we want to help release you. Please show yourself.
(Thunder crash and wind sound)
Cletus Joe
The room is starting to spin and everyone’s hair is standing up from the static and wind!
Bobby Ray
we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto!
Winston
No, man, We’re in Sutter’s Woods!
(Crickets)
(Wolf howling)
Big D
And there’s the haunted glow tree and strange figures coming out of it!
(Thunder crash)
Cletus Joe
The lightning has brought the room back to normal and the lights are bright once again.
Winston
So what just happened here? Were we like really in the woods?
Joe Cletus
No, it was more of a projection of spirit energy with a message the ghosts were trying to show us.
Bobby Ray
If the message was I need to change my shorts, I believe I got it!
Winston
Good thing I brought an extra pair, too, man.
Bobby Ray
So we’re in a hologramaphic decky thingy like on that Star Trek space ship?
Big D
You know that’s just a TV show.
Bobby Ray
Oh, that’s what they want you to think. I mean what we just saw looked pretty real to me.
Joe Cletus
Spirits trying to communicate with the living can sometimes create an atmosphere that appears real to us.
Winston
At least it’s over…
(Lightning crash)
Bobby Ray
Thanks a lot, big mouth. Here we go again.
Joe Cletus
The lights are flickering and our breath is foggy and cold.
(Moaning, wailing, chains rattling)
Big D
And where’d all these creepy looking people come from?
Joe Cletus
The ghosts are finally showing themselves. Some as they were, others in various states of decay.
(Arm dropping on floor)
Bobby Ray
Well, the arm just fell off the one behind Winston. This is getting crazy. I tell you what!
Winston
Blech! There must be at least 30 of them surrounding us.
(Lightning crash)
Cletus Joe
They are all gone and the lights are back on again.
Bobby Ray
Well, at least the lightening is outside of the house. And we’re safe in here.
(Lightening crash)
Bobby Ray
Ow! Ding dong dang it!
Winston
Woa! That Lightning came out the grandfather clock and hit Bobby Ray!
Joe Cletus
Bobby Ray is really smokin’
Bobby Ray
Yep, I am as hot as that Aquadude, Jason Momo.
Joe Cletus
No, I mean you’re really smokin’ from being hit by lightening.
Big D
You OK, Bobby Ray?
Bobby Ray
Oh, I’m fine, but I think I’m pickin’ up an episode of ‘Housewives of Gunbarrel City’ on my gold tooth.
Joe Cletus
Here, drink this.
Bobby Ray
What is it?
Joe Cletus
It’s some of Cletus Joe’s Corn Whisky, and it’ll set you right.
Bobby Ray
(Drinks a swig) (cough and wheeze) (raspy voice) “he smoothed it out since his last batch. (Cough cough)
Joe Cletus
Aww, He’ll be OK.
Winston
What do you need us to do now, man?
Joe Cletus
Well, we’ve got full spectrum night vision video cameras with body harnesses for sending what you see back to us, dual-mode full spectrum and Infrared lights for helping you navigate in the dark, an Electromagnetic Field Frequency meter to make sure we’re not hallucinating from the EMF influence, and it also has a temperature readout to indicate ghost presence when the temperature drops.
Bobby Ray
Oh, I experienced that with that temperature drop with the Cedar Creek Lake Ghost girl in the daisey maes.
Big D
I remember that.
Joe Cletus
We also have an EVP wrist recorder and headset for recording electronic voice phenomena, or ghosts taking to us.
A couple of radios for y’all hearing and talking back to us
(radio static)
a Gamma Rate Meter for picking up radiation associated with ghostly presence
(Beeps and boops)
Oh, and these bottles of holy water.
Winston
What’s the holy water for?
Joe Cletus
Just in case.
Bobby Ray
Hey, I don’t wanna hear about any “just in cases” now!
Winston
Where do you get gear like this? I know they don’t have it down at Wallyworld.
Joe Cletus
Oh there’s a few places like GhostStop that carries most of it. Now, Bobby Ray and Winston, y’all take these and we’ll monitor y’all from up here. Winston, I was gonna send you up to the attic, but you better go down to the cellar with Bobby Ray.
Winston
you got it chief.
Bobby Ray
Why is it I always get the cellar? I’m gonna need a couple of extra Scooby snacks first.
Big D
Just go.
Bobby Ray
Aye, aye Captain Bly. (Laugh)
(Walking off on wood floor)
Winston
Guess I’ll get going, too, man. Hey, got any snacks?
Joe Cletus
Here’s some of Cletus Joe’s high energy snacks and a canteen for the both of you.
(Bag rustling)
Winston
Wow, man, thanks.
(Walking off on wood floor)
Joe Cletus
Hey, Big D, the monitors here show Bobby Ray and Winston’s cameras and give us a visual read out of any voices they pick up.
Cletus Joe:
Hello, hello, Are you seeing anything strange there?
Winston
(Over radio) Not yet. Oh, wait. I’m hearing something.
Bobby Ray
(Over radio) Breaker, breaker two-three, this here’s Saucy Biscuit working on a 10-17 and needing to take a 10-100, what’s your 20, come back.
Big D
Oh, Bobby Ray. (Laughing)
Disjointed Ghostly Voice
(Over radio) Gai waaan ahhhhh weeezah
Winston
(Over radio) I think it’s saying “I want pizza.”
Bobby Ray
(Over radio) no, it’s definitely “Saigony geezer.”
Joe Cletus
Boys, the read out says “I am a teacher.”
Big D
It must be Principal Skinner talking. He was a teacher.
Bobby Ray
(Over radio) Ask him where he put my permanent records. You know how everything goes on your permanent record and it can haunt you for life.
Winston
(Radio) that’s just a myth, man.
Joe Cletus
You know, I heard Tony Turnball was passed over for promotion at the bank because he put gum in Sally Winthrop’s hair in third grade.
Bobby Ray
(Over radio) I told you so.
(Footsteps on wood)
Big D
Bobby Ray, what’re you doing back up here? You shouldn’t leave Winston in the cellar alone.
Bobby Ray 2
(Absent minded, over enunciated, and spooky) I must have gotten lost.
(Forces laugh) There is nothing here and we can pack everything up and leave now.
Big D
you sure are acting like a deer in the headlights, Bobby Ray. You sure you OK?
Bobby Ray 2
(Zombie voice) there is nothing to see here. Move along.
Big D
now, stop trying to creep everyone out and get on back down in the cellar and send us some video back.
Bobby Ray 2
(Zombie voice) your wish is my command. (Ghostly deep voice) Get Ooooout!
Big D
do what now?
Bobby Ray 2
(Back to weird Bobby Ray) excuse me. It must have been the dog passing gas. I will go now.
(Footsteps on wood)
Big D
that was weird. I’ll see if I can get him on the radio now. (Into radio) Bobby Ray, are you back in the cellar yet?
Bobby Ray
(normal voice over radio) Back in the cellar? I ain’t never left it. what y’all drinking up there?
Big D
but but you were just up here talking to us.
Bobby Ray
(over radio) twerent me. I’ve been down in this creepy, cobwebby wet cellar the whole time. You must be halluciminatin’.
Big D
oh, Lord. Don’t tell me we got two of you!
Bobby Ray
(Radio) what’s that?
Big D
never mind. Just send up some videos.
Bobby Ray
(Radio) Will do. There’s a lot of stuff down here.
Winston
(Radio) I think there’s a big old antique mirror under that dusty drape over there behind the hobby horse.
Joe Cletus
Look, there it is on the monitor.
Big D
Oh yea. That is a big one. Winston, take off the drape and let’s have a look at it.
Winston
(Over radio) you got it man.
(Over radio – Drape dropping)
Bobby Ray
(Radio) It’s got a real thick wooden frame with gold inlay. And some carvings of that sideways eight looking infinity symbol, a tree and them some ugly faces coming out of the tree carving.
Big D
Hey, guys, are those hands coming out of the mirror?!
Bobby Ray
(Radio) What’re you talking ab…ahhhhhhhhhh!
Winston
(Radio) Woooooooooooooooaaaaahhhh
Big D
Winston! Bobby Ray! I can’t see your camera any more!
Cletus Joe
I say, I think they’ve been pulled into the mirror!
Winston
(Staticky radio) can you guys hear us?
Big D
Yes, we’ve got audio, but no video. Are y’all alright.
Bobby Ray
(Staticky radio) Somebody’s hands grabbed us and we did the old Alice through the laughing gas trick and we’re now out in Sutter’s Woods by the old Glow Tree…and it’s daylight!
Big D
Do what now?
Winston
(Staticky radio) yea, man. Sutter’s Woods. 2 o’clock in the afternoon … yesterday according to my watch!
Big D
And it’s 2 o’clock in the morning today on this side of the mirror.
Bobby Ray
(Staticky radio) whichever day and time it is, y’all need to pick us up when it gets daylight there, I think.
Big D
We’ll wrap up here and come out and get y’all.
Bobby Ray: (doppelgänger voice over radio) today’s episode is brought to you by somethin, somethin, somethin…
Bobby Ray
(regular voice over radio) (chuckle) just kidding. This here’s the real me and this weeks episode brought to you by Cletus Joe’s Likker and Craft Beer. Whether small batch or bathtub, we put the P in Pilsner.
Big D
Well, folks, thanks for joining us on our ghost chasing today. Be sure subscribe to our podcast, leave a review and share it with your friends. Don’t worry about Bobby Ray and Winston. We’ll go pick them up from Sutter’s Woods a bit later and hopefully everything will be back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be in Mosquito Springs. Se y’all next time!
(Comedy banjo music)
Announcer
Mosquito Springs and its characters were created and performed by Michael Sessums. Ta.