Bobby Ray becomes suspicious of government manufactured mosquitoes that are taking his blood and turning people into walking laboratories, and Lyle at the mortuary has a customer repeat on him. Kinda like that burrito last night. The zombie special is on the menu as a client just won’t stay put until a turn of events solves the problem of the pesky poltergeist.
Today’s episode is brought to you by Gun And Lingers, the only indoor shooting range where you can “linger” in your how are your very own Lazy Boy Recliner while you hit the bullseye. And be sure to join the Masters club. Become a Gunny Lingers Master today.
Any references to the “Front Porch Crazy” podcast is the same podcast as “Mosquito Springs”. FPC was the original name of the podcast before Big D got a better idea. Always look for the “Mosquito Springs” podcast here and on your favorite podcast player.
Transcript
(Comedy country banjo music) 0:00
Big D 0:15
howdy y’all. welcome to Mosquito Springs, Texas. Grab something cold from the ice chest and come up join us on the front porch.
Bobby Ray 0:22
Hey, Big D, did you know that Mosquitos were bioengineered by the government to take samples of our blood?
Big D 0:30
what are you talking about, Bobby Ray?
Bobby Ray 0:32
If I’m lying I’m dying. I mean think about it. They don’t serve no other purpose except to get blood samples. And to inject us with whatever the government is experimenting with. They’re the perfect little injectimaltors.
Big D 0:47
Now you know mosquitoes are just pests and they’re part of nature.
Bobby Ray 0:51
oh, that’s what they want you to think.
Big D 0:54
oh, brother.
Bobby Ray 0:55
no, no. Listen. There’s a secret lab in Russia that put mosquitoes under an electroficated microscope and they found they were actually tiny little robots.
Mr. Deadmun 1:08
(happy whistling)
Big D 1:10
Ok. hey, Here comes Mr. Deadmun, our local mortician at Restful Pines.
Bobby Ray 1:16
howdy, Mr. Deadmun.
Lyle 1:17
Hello, boys.
Lyle 1:19
You sound pretty happy today.
Lyle 1:21
we’ll, just because a chicken has wings doesn’t mean it can fly.
Big D 1:27
Well bless your heart, Mr. Deadmun.
Lyle 1:30
oh, that’s alright. No grave error. And you can call me Lyle.
Bobby Ray 1:35
Ok…Lyle. I likes that. How’ve you been doing?
Lyle 1:39
well, my business has been rather dead lately.
Bobby Ray 1:44
I know that’s right. (Chuckle) Hey, I’ve been thinking about becoming a mortician, too.
Big D 1:49
do what now?
Bobby Ray 1:50
no, I’m serious. And I’ve been studying up in it, too.
Lyle 1:53
oh, really?
Bobby Ray 1:54
it’s the gospel truth.
Lyle 1:56
well, its a lot of hard work and long hours.
Bobby Ray 2:01
oh I knows all that. But I likes how you get to solve crimes, date beautiful ladies and live on them fancy boats down at the marina.
Big D 2:10
Bobby Ray, you’ve been watching Quincy again, haven’t you.
Bobby Ray 2:13
you know it! I do love a good dominatrix show.
Big D 2:17
I’m hoping you mean documentary.
Bobby Ray 2:20
that’s what I said. And I think I’d be good at solving crimes, too. I always figure out those America’s Most Wanted and whodunnits before anyone else does.
Big D 2:31
I think you’ve got things a bit mixed up. See, Quincy is a county medical examiner, and Lyle is a mortician.
Bobby Ray 2:37
Yea, so.
Big D 2:39
mortician’s don’t solve crimes.
Lyle 2:43
I prefer to be called an afterlife ambassador. I prepare the dearly departed for their journey to the great beyond. Much like my family has since the time of the pharaohs.
Bobby Ray 2:57
you mean you mommyfy them?
Lyle 2:59
well, not quite. Firstly, you drain their blood and replace it with embalming fluid. Then you make cosmetic and clothing changes as needed for presentation.
Bobby Ray 3:14
So it’s kind of like if Dracula gives them a gas station lube job with the drain and fill?
Lyle 3:21
crudely put, but rather oddly accurate. Some prefer cremation while others ask for elaborate theme-based services.
Bobby Ray 3:32
oh yea, I remember Delbert Wilson’s service where y’all made him up to look like Elvis, with the white sequined suit, the guitar and that rotating mirror ball just all up and sparkly.
Lyle 3:45
one of my masterpieces. We set him up on a stage to make him look as if he really were Elvis playing his songs on that electric guitar…
Bobby Ray 3:57
y’all even had his arm fixed up with animatronics so it looked like he was strumming in time to the music. And hey, you remember the ladies swooning when his artificial hip did that signature Elvis swing move? (Elvis sound)
Lyle 4:13
it was a crowning achievement
Big D 4:17
I don’t think they were swooning, more like fainting.
Bobby Ray 4:20
you know, I bets you got some easy Layaway plans.
Big D 4:24
oh, brother.
Bobby Ray 4:25
And as for customer service, you con only let your customers down once. (Laugh)
Lyle 4:31
oh, normally that’s quite true. But there was one customer who refused to stay in restful repose.
Bobby Ray 4:41
what exactly you mean “refused”?
Lyle 4:44
Quite simply that. He refused to stay buried. Every time we buried him, 24 hours later it was like “abracadaver” and he would come back.
Bobby Ray 4:58
Now that’s something you don’t see often in your business – a repeat customer.
Lyle 5:03
we buried him three times, but he wouldn’t stay put. First a crypt, then a plain casket, and finally, our super deluxe Grande marquis model. But, Nothing satisfied him. Somehow, he just kept coming back.
Big D 5:26
what’d you do?
Lyle 5:28
what else could I do? I gave him a job as my assistant. He does know the business well and is so persistent.
Big D 5:38
Well, it’s definitely not his first rodeo.
Bobby Ray 6:41
(Laugh) I know that’s right!
Bobby Ray 5:43
Today’s episode is brought to you by Gun And Lingers, the only indoor shooting range where you can “linger” in your how are your very own Lazy Boy Recliner while you hit the bullseye. And be sure to join the Masters club. Become a Gun And Lingers Master today.
Big D 6:09
hey, thanks for joining us today in Mosquito Springs on Front Porch Crazy. Be sure to subscribe and like our podcast. We hope to see you again real soon.
Narrator 6:11
Mosquito Springs, Front Porch Crazy and its characters were created and performed by Michael Sessums. Be sure to like our podcast and come back again next time for more stories. See ya then.
(Comedy country banjo music) 6:22