Surprise additions to the Mosquito Springs Spaceport family are delivered by Winston, and Bobby Ray shares his shampoo and motor oil beauty secrets.
Transcript
Big D: Howdy y’all. Welcome to Mosquito Springs, Texas where you’ll find mystery and adventure.
Bobby Ray: I know that’s right. (Laugh)
Big D: get yourself something cold to drink and sit a spell. I’m joined by Bobby Ray and Winston today and they’ve got some more news about their Mosquito Springs Spaceport venture.
Bobby Ray: first let me tell you that Nadine was watching that “Queer Eye” show trying to find some tips on gussying up the family room, and you know that Jonathan Van Ness fella’s got a silky mane longer than Nadine’s horse “Buttermilk”.
You know he’s got all these hair products he uses and sells. I bet it costs him a bagillion dollars. But you know what? All I need is my Old Spice all-in-one multifunction shampoo. I get that quart pump bottle and with one slap, lather and rinse once – that’s right, just once because you ain’t got time to stay in the shower all day fiddling with your hair.
I use it for my hair, my body, Chuck Norris – my dog, not the Texas Ranger – heck I even use it to put that special sparkle on the 48 Dodge Powerwagon when I want to show it off. I’ve even used it as engine oil in a pinch and you get that manly Old Spice smell extruding out of the exhaust pipes.
Big D: folks the Mosquito Springs Chamber of Commerce would like to mention you should never pour shampoo in your crankcase.
Bobby Ray: well, it could work.
Big D: nope
Bobby Ray: I think I’m gonna see if it’s available in drums. (Laugh)
Big D: so how’s the Mosquito Springs Spaceport going with you and Winston?
Bobby Ray: Well, We Hired several people for our space force, and two of them gave us a surprise with one of them even giving us the lead in the commercial race for space.
Big D: so what was the surprise?
Bobby Ray: oh, we’ll come to that. You see, they both had told us during the orientation meeting that they’d been on a water break, (laugh) but looking back now, we may have misheard that.
Winston: yea, I think you’re right, man.
Big D: what do ya mean?
Bobby Ray: i didn’t want to have to spell it out, but they’d had broken their town water main and it was time for the little villagers to come out of their houses to safety.
Big D: what?!
Winston: they were like in labor, man.
Big D: oh boy! Well, what’d you do?
Bobby Ray: We cleared all the pizza and donuts off the conference table we’d been snacking on and one of the guys grabbed a couple of blankets to spread out. And boy there was a lot of little girl screaming going on.
Winston: that was mostly you, man.
Bobby Ray: was not.
Big D: alright y’all, what happened next?
Winston: I used some clary sage and lavender in a pocket aromatherapy fan to help induce a sense of well-being and calm for Mary Joe and Clarita. And I think it helped Bobby Ray, too. (Chuckle)
Bobby Ray: all right now.
Winston: And I also wet a couple of my bandannas and put a few drops of clary sage on them to use as soothing compresses for the girls.
Bobby Ray: yep, and then the race was on. It was just like nascar where they were jockeying for who got pole position on which was to come out first.
Winston: yea, and their auras must have been in sync, because it wasn’t long before they were both dilated all the way up to about 10cm.
Bobby Ray: well I don’t know about that, but Mary Joe was dilapidated to about the size of one of those super donuts with sprinkles and cream over at the truck stop, so we knew it was go time.
Winston: we did the breathing exercises with them and the girls were doing great, but Bobby Ray must have hyperventilated because Carlos had to pick him up off the floor about midway through.
Bobby Ray: now I don’t exactly remember that.
Winston: But he was a real champ and got right back up in there to help the girls again. With all he breathing and contractions, it was time to start pushing.
Bobby Ray: yea I told Clarita to just Imagine your international harvester column shift truck has stalled out midway up a hill and you gotta get out and push it the rest of the way up. She said something in Spanish like “bendayjoe” that I think means something like “thank you.”
Winston: oh, it definitely was not that. (Chuckle) any way, I said a birthing prayer and asked for a blessing for the ladies and their babies as I added some more lavender to the fan.
Bobby Ray: well, to make a short story long, Clarita’s was the first to cross the finish line. She had a beautiful baby girl at 19 inches and 7-1/2 pounds.
Big D: that’s awesome. But How’d you know about her measurements.
Bobby Ray: well, remember I had that tattoo from Thelma’s Tattoo and Tan put on my left leg with the ruler to measure the fishies we caught when we went out to lake Travis that time. And I had my Ronco Popeil Pocket Fisherman Scale that I used to check the weight of my catch.
Winston: and Mary Joe was right behind her with her healthy uh, baby.
Bobby Ray: Just say it, Winston. She had a little baby girl alien.
Big D: do what now?
Winston: it’s true, man. She was perfectly healthy with all six fingers, three on each hand, two legs, cute little webbed toes, and a beautiful little happy smile.
Bobby Ray: Mary Joe and her cute little alien girl is gonna give us a clear advantage in our space adventures.
Big D: hold on here. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this whole thing. So now how’s she givin y’all an advantage?
Bobby Ray: ain’t nobody else got them a real live alien on their team.
Big D: oh, you’ve got that right. Well, keep us posted on how the mommas and their little girls are doing.
Winston: oh, we will, man.
Bobby Ray: Today’s episode is brought to you by Thelma’s Tattoo and Tan where a tramp stamp is your passport to bronzing lu-huv-liness. Ask for the fisherman’s special and she’ll give you something to measure it with – uh, measure your fish with that is. They even use sun sensitive ink so you can tell when you need to slather on more of that sun tan butter.
Big D: it was good having y’all stop by today. Be sure to slap that subscribe button and tell all your friends to find us on their favorite podcast player. See y’all next time!
Narrator: mosquito Springs and its characters were performed and created by Michael Sessums. With music by Tye Simon.