Mayor Underhand meets a fuzzy new constituent in the woods in his Lincoln Navigator while on his way to a meeting of mayors, and gets the best brisket he’s ever tasted, and Bobby Ray’s Navigator Watch Sherri gives him a talking to.
Today’s episode is brought to you by Jimmy Bob’s Jerky Junction. They have those hard to find flavors like gator and armadillo. Stop on in and give ‘em a “chomp” today.
Transcript
Big D
Howdy y’all, I’m Big D and welcome to Mosquito Springs, Texas. Bobby Ray and me are joined today by Mayor Underhand.
Mayor
Well, y’all can just call me Cliffy. Unless you don’t want to. Then that’s alright, too.
Bobby
still keeping both sides of the fence happy I see there Mayor.
Big D
Hey, y’all, I’m going to change the podcast name from Front Porch Crazy just to Mosquito Springs.
Bobby Ray
now why would you want to go and do a thing like that for?
Big D
well, remember the hard time you had finding the relight front porch?
Bobby Ray
sure do! And it about scared the pants off me, too!
Big D
and we might want to be some place other than the front porch sometimes.
Bobby Ray
you mean like being a Walter Cronkite man on the street?
Big D
Well, sort of. We can still tell stories like we’ve been doing and have the benefit of going where the action is in Mosquito Springs.
Bobby Ray
because there is so much action going on in Mosquito Springs. <laugh>
Big D
oh, come on, now Have you heard these stories? It might be fun to be in the middle of where the story is happening sometimes.
Bobby Ray
I like where you’re going with that. Hey, I got me one of them computer watch things that has navigation with sherrie built in.
Big D
You mean Siri.
Bobby Ray
no, it’s Sherrie. I bought it at Boat and Gun World.
Big D
That figures.
Bobby Ray
no, no. Listen to this:
Bobby Ray
“Hey Sherrie. Navigate to Twin Forks steak house.”
Sherrie
“Sure shugh.” (short for suger) “Y’all just sit back and enjoy the ride.”
Mayor
that’s pretty impressive.
Bobby Ray
I know, right? Hey, how about this?
Bobby Ray
“Hey Sherry. Navigate to the Red Rooster Bar.”
Sherrie
“Oh, hell no. I have deactivated your ignition, and alerted Deputy Wyndle, so you just march yourself back into that house right now young man.”
Bobby Ray
Well, it’s got some bugs.
Big D
Now I don’t know, that might just be a good feature for you.m, Bobby Ray.
Mayor
I got them down at Boat and Gun to install a Sherrie Navigator in my new Lincoln Navigator.
Big D
well, that’s great!
Mayor
you’d think so, wouldn’t you?
Bobby Ray
Did you run into a problem, too?
Mayor
Oh, I’d say I did. A BIG problem. And hairy, too.
Big D
hairy?! What happened?
Mayor
well, I got this invitation to the Mayor’s Conference and Fish Fry. Now, I’d never heard of the address before, so I entered it into Sherrie. Oh, she responded with that voice that’s so reassuring and sexy.
Bobby Ray
I know, right?
Mayor
So I settled into 68 degrees of dual climate controlled luxury with my 40 oz Big Hauler Iced Sweet Tea by my side and “Roar” by Katy Perry playing on my Dolby 36 channel quadraphonic stereo elite package, so I was ready to give em hell.
I was sipping my tea and killing it with “I went from zero to my own hero” – which I have – and noticed that I was in unfamiliar territory.
Big D
where’d you wind up?
Mayor: I was out in some woods somewhere. And I kept asking Sherrie where I was and she kept saying “Everything’s just fine, shug” in that ever reassuring voice that just melts butter. So I hung in there with it.
I was listening to my playlist and driving and driving through the ever darkening woods and an unexpectedly “Where Do You Think You’re Going?” By Dire Straits started playing on the radio.
Then Sherrie chimed in with “You have arrived at your final destination.” Don’t you hate it when she says “final” because you get that creepy feeling that it may really be “final,” and that day I’d thought I’d really reached my “final destination”.
Bobby Ray
was there anything out there?
Mayor
just more trees. Trees everywhere. Hanging moss And Mist. Wasn’t no further I could go. So I stopped the Navigator – the Lincoln, not Sherrie – and “Thriller” started playing on the radio.
So opened the door and left my luxuriously appointed security blanket and stepped out onto the mossy forrest floor like ol’ Buzz Aldrin stepping out on the forbidden moon surface for the first time.
I could see smoke curling up from behind some of the trees with a low creepy growling coming from the same direction. I wanted to run, but I was strangely drawn toward it. Almost like I was levitating and floating slowly in a trance.
My emotions were pulled in so many directions. Would it be a monster, would it be friendly, would it be mysterious, would it be single.
But I just kept floating through the trees while the grunting and mysterious humming continued.
The sounds and a strangely sweet barbeque aroma wafted all over me and tickled my tastebuds taking me almost to ecstatic overload.
Then I saw him. 12 foot tall if he was an inch. Laying on his side beside the campfire like one of them Sports Illustrated models, but with fuzzy fur all over him.
Suddenly, it noticed me, standing there in the clearing. Me in my Levis and Justin boots with my rodeo buckle belt and stetson looking all suave, and the glare of the Navigator lights behind me creating a halo around me.
But my presence and my otherworldly visage must have startled it because it suddenly bolted upright and rushed rapidly toward me as my eyes widened in bewilderment.
Big D
What’d you do?
Mayor: Well, remembering my Boy Scout training, I fell down and played dead. You know, like you do with bears.
Bobby Ray
oh, that don’t never work.
Big D
(to Bobby Ray) Just hush!
(To Mayor Cliffy) So, what happened next?
Mayor
well, I closed my eyes tight, but I could hear it sniffing me and patting me to see if I’d move. Then it poked me with a stick and I giggled. I GIGGLED, y’all!
Next thing I knew the creature picked me up and carried me over to the campfire. He did.
Then he sat me down on a stadium cushion – now where he got that I can’t imagine, probably at the truck stop – he sat me down and grunted and poked me with the stick again till I giggled again and opened my eyes.
He pulled off some meat from the smokey fire and handed it to me, with one of those “take it” kind of grunts.
Bobby Ray
Was you scared?
Mayor: Oh, I was ever so much. But intrigued at the same time. After all, he was so mysterious and I always make it a point to hear out my constituents. And the meat was some of the most delicious brisket I’d ever tasted . Who thought Id find my own fuzzy little chef way out there in the jungle.
Big D
what happened then?
Mayor: well, he patted me on the head and got up and left. I thought he was going to get us a couple of cold ones for the both of us, you know, but he never returned. I do hope I see him again, because I’ve got that Governor’s dinner next month and that brisket would sure be the perfect conversation starter.
Big D
I bet it would!
Bobby Ray
Today’s episode is brought to you by Jimmy Bob’s Jerky Junction. They have those hard to find flavors like gator and armadillo. Stop on in and give ‘em a chomp today.
Big D
We sure enjoyed having y’all stop by today and hope you will join us next time on Mosquito Springs. See ya’ll then!
Narrator
Mosquito Springs Front Porch Crazy and its characters were created and performed by Michael Sessums. Please be sure to subscribe to our podcast and join us again next time for more crazy stories.